I began my BDSM journey, I now understand, as myself. I'm still myself. Along the way I looked into different roles and labels and tried to fit myself into them. That was a mistake, a misplacement of myself. But, it was interesting and all adds flavour to the journey, making it a chance to discover who I am.
Here are conversations I had through forums and email and a post I wrote at points during my discovery. (It will be at least two posts).
I've been trying to think of a simple way to explain how I feel to be a switch. I thought about buttons, the kind you find with your partner to drive them wild with lust. Well, in my case the buttons connect to a switch like a train track. Depending on which buttons are pushed my switch changes from the submissive track to the Dominant one. Other ways to look at it: I want to wear someone's collar and belong to that person, I also want someone to be owned by me and wear the collar I give them. My bondage fantasies are about being taken captive and taking a captive of my own.
It isnt that I don't feel strongly as one or the other when I am one or the other. I can't separate the feelings enough to say which I prefer. Both are very different. It
also isnt that I can't make up my mind or want to keep all my options open. The Internet gives me a lot of freedom to explore how I think and feel without leaving the comfort of my home. I have gone through a lot of confusion and thought processing to end up here. All of my experience has come from the Internet: email correspondence and discussion lists, IRC and the femdom and bondage newsgroups. I have always formed my own opinions based on what I see, read and experience. I have been doing the same thing as I explored Dominance and submission.
To be a Dominant is a very strong and powerful feeling. When I Dom I feel charged up with energy. Having a strong male helpless, giving himself to me to do with as I please is also a very big responsibility and I do feel this, even when I'm writing. To submit is a soft and gentle feeling, sometimes childlike. I feel vulnerable, which I don't like 100%. I find I lose some of my ability to say 'no".
I feel more myself when I am neither one. I think of this balanced spot as the switch, my centre. As a sub I used brattiness to keep from going too far from my balanced centre. As a Domme I use the responsibility to see to the safety of the submissive to let through my gentler side. In this way I keep both the Domme and the submissive sides from straying too far from who I am, or who I see myself as being.
I don't think I could straight sub or Dom. That would be cutting off a side of myself. I have heard some people say they switch to balance their Dom or their sub selves. I don't feel this way. I am balanced without either role. To choose sides lets me explore more of my self.
I am doing more of that at the moment. Each new relationship on line makes me look at myself in a different way. I started as a Domme, afraid of the power I held. I met a man who wanted to be Dommed. He told me about spreader bars and spankings and other delights I had not heard of. I liked the feeling of Domination. He was the wrong person for me to learn with. Though I did get my feet wet. Next, I met the people on the #submission channel and I saw submissives who were not quiet and obediant to the point of being non-people. I liked what I saw so I tried it. I joined an email group and found a Dom on IRC. My IRC Dom liked my creativity so much he wanted more of it in another way. I began to Domme him. It was a confusing time for me. I found I enjoyed Domming. I had not really discovered how much fun I could have before. Now I knew and submitting was not enough. I Dommed without submitting. I met a male sub through the bondage personals on usenet. Life was great and I was happy and keeping him happy too. But then the urge to submit crept back in. There were nights when I hungered to be Dominated to give up my control. That is where I am now. Except for one more relationship, a new one. Another personals ad, this time on a regular newsgroup. He -was- vanilla. Now I am taking him along on my explorations and having a chance to look at my decisions and opinions through new eyes.
The End
