kajira/kajirus on Gor

This comes from a personal site which will probably disappear when Tripod starts to dump it's free hosting.

Male slaves/ submissives following the Gorean ways are kind of rare.  The only thing I really hear about is collaring. There is more to it. It has a lot of ceremony and tradition. It's quiet and calm (at least that's how I have seen it to be) versus the aggressive sort of D/s men talk about and claim to want. Of course, you can bring in other ideas and adapt anything, but I generally like the softer, quiet and composed side of the Gorean kajirus way.

(Archived from 1998) 3 Essays on Finding a Domme, by Ms. Margo

Three Essays on Finding a Domme by Ms Margo

• On Patience Or, How Do I Get A Dom, An·way?
• "How do I find a Dom/Dominant/Dominatrix/domme/Goddess/Mistress/dominant Lady/dominate woman?
• On Petitions... Or, How do I get a Mistress to accept my petition?

    "I have encountered a creature so gracious, so delicate, so noble that I cannot praise her so much nor love her so much that she would not deserve more. . . .[love put out her] nets of gold, spread among flowers, woven by Venus, so pleasant and easy that though a churlish heart might have broken them, I had no wish to do so, and for a bit I enjoyed myself in them until the tender threads became hard and secured with knots beyond untying.... And though I seem to have entered into great labor, I feel in it such sweetness ... that, if I could free myself, I would not wish to do so for anything in the world. I have abandoned all thoughts and affairs that are grave and serious; I no longer delight in reading ancient things or discussing modem ones; they are all turned into soft conversations, for which I thank Venus and all Cyprus.... [as to greater things] I have never found anything in them but harm, and in those of love always good and pleasure. Farewell!"

    Yours,
    Niccoló Machiavelli

For Men who Want to Date Dommes

I read a post by a man talking about how hard it is to find a Domme who will date boys. My first thought was to wonder where he is looking cause I find there are plenty of Dom women who are looking. Then, it occured to me... he is talking about professional women, only.

Men who spend their time paying to be Dommed narrow their minds a great deal. Maybe it is the idea that being a Domme is a bad thing, something only a wicked, dirty woman would do. The other women they work with, see in the grocery store, talk to on the bus, etc. would never be the sort to do something like that. So they can only think of the professional Domme/ FemDoms when they consider having a real relationship with a Domme. It must be something like that, cause it just can't be that men are generally so narrow minded, can it?


If you are only trying to date the Dommes who perform as a job/ get paid you are barking up the wrong tree. Not all of them are Dommes outside of work. My friend was a professional but is happily married and living with her husband as his sub. She can work it either way for clients, but her reality is different. Also, I expect dating the men they meet through business is like taking their work home with them. When do they get time to be just themselves if they have to Dom all the time?

There are women who are not professionals and those tend to be the women who know what they want and would like a relationship with a man who knows his place. However, I am cautious about men who have paid for it. They get the wrong idea and assume it will always be done their way, a performance on command.

30 Days of Kink

Here are the questions for 30 Days of Kink. This will be a little project to work on.

• Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us. 
• Day 2: List your kinks. 
• Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky? 
• Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hinted at your kinks? 
• Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen. 
• Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy. 
• Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?  
• Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic. 
• Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy. 
• Day 10: What are your hard limits? 
• Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink? 
• Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny. 
• Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to? 
• Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ? 
• Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try. 
• Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally? 
• Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up? 
• Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they? 
• Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they? 
• Day 20: Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand. 
• Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction) 
• Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship? 
• Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so? 
• Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner? 
• Day 25: How open are you about your kinks? 
• Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? 
• Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how? 
• Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you? 
• Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general? 
• Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Is There a FemDom's Bill of Rights?

I like to look at gender based things and change them around, see how they still fit when the gender role is changed. In the case of BDSM I also like to change it around from sub to Dom. Read the following, keeping in mind gender and D/s roles. 

The Boys' Bill of Rights

1. Every boy has the right to have his body, intellect, and emotions protected by his Dom.

2. Every boy has the right to choose the man whom he serves and to discontinue that service and take his leave without being subjected to physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

3. Every boy has the right to be cared for, disciplined appropriately, and allowed to feel pride in his submission.

4. Every boy has the right to protected sex if he so wishes.

5. Every boy has the right to privacy if he so wishes. No boy can be blackmailed, publicly humiliated, or physically coerced into service without his expressed desire to be so.

6. Every boy has the right to defend himself from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

7. Every boy has the right to consent or not to consent to sexual activities.

8. Every boy has the right to seek refuge, counsel, and advice from other subs and Doms without the expectation of sex, money, or any other service in return.

9. Every boy has the right to a physically and emotionally available circle of friends.

10. Every boy has the right to protect his own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition.

Who do you think this was written for, originally? (Yes, it's pretty obvious, but could it work for FemDom and male sub and then could it still work (rewritten and somewhat reworded) as The FemDom's Bill of Rights? Does it feel strange to even think of a FemDom having rights like these? If so, maybe you have some re-thinking to do.

Conversations About Switching

I began my BDSM journey, I now understand, as myself. I'm still myself. Along the way I looked into different roles and labels and tried to fit myself into them. That was a mistake, a misplacement of myself. But, it was interesting and all adds flavour to the journey, making it a chance to discover who I am.

Here are conversations I had through forums and email and a post I wrote at points during my discovery. (It will be at least two posts).


I've been trying to think of a simple way to explain how I feel to be a switch. I thought about buttons, the kind you find with your partner to drive them wild with lust. Well, in my case the buttons connect to a switch like a train track. Depending on which buttons are pushed my switch changes from the submissive track to the Dominant one. Other ways to look at it: I want to wear someone's collar and belong to that person, I also want someone to be owned by me and wear the collar I give them.  My bondage fantasies are about being taken captive and taking a captive of my own.  


It isnt that I don't feel strongly as one or the other when I am one or the other. I can't separate the feelings enough to say which I prefer. Both are very different. It
also isnt that I can't make up my mind or want to keep all my options open. The Internet gives me a lot of freedom to explore how I think and feel without leaving the comfort of my home. I have gone through a lot of confusion and thought processing to end up here. All of my experience has come from the Internet: email correspondence and discussion lists, IRC and the femdom and bondage newsgroups. I have always formed my own opinions based on what I see, read and experience. I have been doing the same thing as I explored Dominance and submission. 



To be a Dominant is a very strong and powerful feeling. When I Dom I feel charged up with energy. Having a strong male helpless, giving himself to me to do with as I please is also a very big responsibility and I do feel this, even when I'm writing. To submit is a soft and gentle feeling, sometimes childlike. I feel vulnerable, which I don't like 100%. I find I lose some of my ability to say 'no". 


I feel more myself when I am neither one. I think of this balanced spot as the switch, my centre. As a sub I used brattiness to keep from going too far from my balanced centre. As a Domme I use the responsibility to see to the safety of the submissive to let through my gentler side. In this way I keep both the Domme and the submissive sides from straying too far from who I am, or who I see myself as being.


I don't think I could straight sub or Dom. That would be cutting off a side of myself. I have heard some people say they switch to balance their Dom or their sub selves. I don't feel this way. I am balanced without either role. To choose sides lets me explore more of my self. 


I am doing more of that at the moment. Each new relationship on line makes me look at myself in a different way. I started as a Domme, afraid of the power I held. I met a man who wanted to be Dommed. He told me about spreader bars and spankings and other delights I had not heard of. I liked the feeling of Domination. He was the wrong person for me to learn with. Though I did get my feet wet. Next, I met the people on the #submission channel and I saw submissives who were not quiet and obediant to the point of being non-people. I liked what I saw so I tried it. I joined an email group and found a Dom on IRC. My IRC Dom liked my creativity so much he wanted more of it in another way. I began to Domme him. It was a confusing time for me. I found I enjoyed Domming. I had not really discovered how much fun I could have before. Now I knew and submitting was not enough. I Dommed without submitting. I met a male sub through the bondage personals on usenet. Life was great and I was happy and keeping him happy too. But then the urge to submit crept back in. There were nights when I hungered to be Dominated to give up my control. That is where I am now. Except for one more relationship, a new one. Another personals ad, this time on a regular newsgroup. He -was- vanilla. Now I am taking him along on my explorations and having a chance to look at my decisions and opinions through new eyes. 


The End

Conversations About Switching (Part 2)

The closest I came before that was reading some of my Dad's Gor books and finding trashy magazines my younger brother had hidden. These were geared to men's fantasies of course. 


I'm still learning what my inner most desires are. Bondage certainly, Im not sure about spankings or a lot of the other "traditional" pain/ pleasure ideas. I am willing to experience most of these things. Except something like being whipped, that would be very painful. 


I read a lot of historical romance novels growing up, sometimes I still do *grin*. Many of my ideas of being submissive come from what I have read there. Things like being selected and then captured by some desert sheik. Carried aboard a pirate/ Viking ship and having to accept "him" as my master. The same situation in different scenes really. Part of these scenes was always testing how far you could go before you were pulled back by the sheik, Viking, etc. That was something I always enjoyed too. I do it now with my IRC Dom. It is not disrespect to him when I tease him. I like being told I have gone too far and being pulled back. 

> itself does nothing to foster a relationship. When however it is a natural part
> of a loving relationship it can be a very powerful part of that relationship.
> Usually it signifies one has sufficient trust in ones partner to allow oneself
> to surrender, (submission), to whatever that person may wish to do. In some
> ladies with a prudish outlook, or like the Victorians of past, it was a way for
> them overcoming their prudishness or natural reserve that was a strict part of
> their upbringing.  In their mind s eye, it was a way of secretly enjoying
> uninhibited sex which they really immensely enjoyed, but at the same time
> allowed them to maintain the pretence that there was nothing they could do to
> prevent their husband s lustful advances.


Master Michael, This idea could be true for me. I have always been a "good girl". Nothing I have done would have turned one hair on my Grandmother's head grey (Except for my not choosing to be Christian). I like being a good girl, I can respect myself. But I dont want to be a good girl 24 hrs a day and 7 days a week. For one thing Im far too curious. Maybe bondage and giving up control is a way for me to allow myself to be something I want and yet am not completely comfortable with. I hadnt thought about it this way before. Your mention of the Victorian women struck a chord in me though. 


I was glad the Master pleased himself as well as the sub. It seems to me that both Master and sub should be pleasured. Other wise the scene does not seem balanced. Almost as if the Master is a bystander, this makes him seem a little aloof or dettached from the action. 


I like the idea of wearing the collar and of having a collar worn for me. This is why I am a switch and not a sub or a Domme alone. 


I think that is what I like about bondage. It does let you give away your freedom of choice. I had been wondering how I could like bondage and subbing when I love being independant and doing things my own way. I really dont like being told what to do at all! LOL


at do you think of Doms that switch?  I have heard some subbies say they dont care for Doms with whip marks on their asses. Im not sure how I feel. It has been thrown at me and I feel kind of weird about it.  What is your opinion? He told me once that is was for balance. But last night was the third time I have balanced him and I am not sure I like it. I can be the Domme, its not easy, but I can do it. I dont think I can look at him the same way though. I liked it better when he had the control now that I have had it I guess I dont see him as being two steps ahead of me any more. Its confusing and disappointing. Yet he is still the same Dom that made me feel a lot of things I havent felt before. When I began subbing for him I could feel his power even through IRC. I liked the way it felt. 

-------- REPLY, Original message follows --------
> If/when the Dom/Master switches with His sub, is He truely submitting to her?
> Is she really Dominating Him? Or are they just Topping/bottoming?  .. And, does
> it make a difference?
> 
> If He get some pleasure from being whipped/flogged occasionally, why would His
> sub/slave think this type of service any different from caressing Him, using
> her lips and hands for His pleasure?


> I like you as a sub!  Don't go against nature by attempting to be a femdomme.
>  It's just not you, laura!

I don't know what I am any more. I'm falling for him and it is scaring the heck out of me. We have talked about Domming and subbing and we seem to click in that way. He is very strong and independent. He just likes someone to bring him down a peg or two after work. I would like someone to look after and boss around a little and someone who will give me some discipline and strength the rest of the time. We like so many of the same things. Our lifestyles fit together like pieces of a puzzle. 


Have you ever loved any of your subs or Dommes or vanillas? I only felt this way once before and it was a disaster at the end. Have you ever been at that point where you have to decide whether or not to let go and put everything you are on the line? I'm trying to hold back. But I keep wanting to tell him so many things. He may be coming out this way sometime this Summer. 




I love the feeling of having my Dom take control. But it also scares me. There is a part of me he has not touched, I dont think any one has. Its my centre, its where all my deepest worries, self doubts, things I would prefer to keep hidden are. Its also where my deepest loves and passions are. Its more than that, its me. Its all that makes me the person I am, my essence. To give him pieces of my centre is very hard, each time he gets closer to having total power over me. Total power to hurt me, if he chose to do that.


I also have wondered how much I can give him before there is nothting left that is just me. Right now I am a separate entity. I am my own person. To give him control gives some part of me and my freedom to be myself I suppose, away. I also wondered about what I was becoming. If I would still respect myself once I had gone as far as my curiousity and passions want to take me. I nearly stopped finding out more about D/s at that point. But then I realized that I still have that much control over who I am and what I think about myself. I do have some things I will not do, though the list seems to be shrinking. 


Right now I am free again. And, yes, it does feel that way. I miss my IRC Dom but we reached a point where things couldnt go forward any more. I am taking time to think and regroup, reassess everything I have thought and learned. Of course, my life being the collection of oddities that it is, this is also the time I have met a male sub on line who really seems to have the knack for shaking me out of my self possession. Just to make it tougher and more interesting, when he gets back from Japan in 8 days (and counting) we are going to switch! At least I'm not bored! Not that I ever was. 


I don't think I could sub at all if I was so restricted I couldnt be a "brat" once in awhile. Well, maybe more than once in awhile..... Besides its  *his* job to have/ keep the control. Life is  *so*  full of challenges! I enjoy making him think on his feet. Of course I do stop once I realize he isn't still laughing. You don't want to go  *too*  far with a good thing. 


I do have all my own opinions and ideas, which I expect to be taken into account. A Dom who can't let me breathe will not interest me for long.  I also don't think my submission would mean anything if I was not my own person. Where is the fun in Domming if its all too easy.


Once in a while however, I feel a need to be able to give up all these pressures and responsibilities for a few hours and to let someone else take all the decisons. As a dominant yourself, you will know that it is hard work being in charge all the time - it is a big responsibility. That is kind of how I feel and perhaps helps to explain the need to be regressed to being "just a naughty little boy" every now and then.


There is also the need for some kind of emotional release - a desire just to let go and follow ones urges or to let out all the tensions and pressures of everyday life. As men, for example, we a taught to be emotionally stable, not to show weakness and to keep control of ourselves at all times. We are never expected to cry or exhibit gentler "feminine" traits. That is why I imagine, for example, that there would be a certain kind of catharsis from being put over a womans knee and soundly spanked until one was able to sob and plead. I don't actually have any personal experience to go on, and I am quite certain that the spanking itself would be painful and humiliating, but it would certainly be an emotional experience outside of the norm - something which all of us need from time to time.

> .. oh well. I think I'm stuck with the opinion that just too
> > many subs lack creativity - to submit is a special act, but not one that
> takes
> > great imagination. It is the dom who is the artist. Guess that's why one of
> us
> > is called "artful."
> > 
> > A complete submissive is indeed a joy to play with and even to spend a lot of
> > time with, but how can they complement a man in the long run? How can they
> > inspire and challenge? 
> -------- REPLY, End of original message --------
> 
> 
> Dom and sub should compliment, inspire and challenge each other. 
> 
> If the Dom is the artist he has only himself to blame for not exploring the
> full potential of his canvas, his sub. For myself I am not someone who waits
> patiently. I begin my own explorations.  I have met "Doms" who try to restrict
> me. They want to pound their rules, their needs and their demands into me
> before they even know who I am.  Being a sub should feel free. Feeling free a
> sub can then let her imagination go along with her inhibitions. 
> 

Btw, I have decided I am a Switch as far as D/s goes. I might even be leaning to the Domina side. I get a real charge out of Domming my little sub so far away in Hong Kong. He wants to try Domming. I gave him a chance the other night and he was a litte too controlling for me. But its hard to start Domming without some use of force I suppose. Besides I did spring it on him. I was feeling very bratty, hardly Domme like and I told him to do it! LOL Well, more like I dared him to do it. Poor guy never knew what hit him. I didn't make it at all easy on him for his first time. But he said later that he had fun but he would rather stay as my sub and keep learning from me. 


Alice, When I started I thought I could never find the power in myself to not only do this but enjoy doing it. Now I get a real charge out of it all. Giver yourself some time to find what it is you want. My first submissive was a weird time for me. I also had to ask him what to do and how to do it. I never could feel like I was Domming him. But I broke up with him. I was lucky in that we were only an IRC (Internet) couple. I also see now that I was babying him. He was not a strong male and I not only felt intimidated by the whole Domme thing but I also did not  want to "hurt" him. I felt I was bad everytime I had him do anything. I dont know if you ever feel this way but I thought I would share what I felt.


My current submissive is a strong man who likes to be treated like a mischivious boy. This includes some humiliation. I am lucky that we share the same tastes and limits. I also use a flyswatter on him. I think it is not the spanking but what the swatter means that makes it effective. A real man would  not think being swatted was a problem but I am not treating him like a real man when I use the swatter on him. For me its the mental aspects that matter more than the actualy physical spanking itself. The only other thing I have used is my hand. Though I would like to step up to a paddle, just for the thickness of its look and the sound it will make on his behind.  Start easy Alice, find what gives you that feeling of power over him. You dont need to use all of his ideas and you dont need to feel intimidated by the power you are reaching for either. 


This is not a well thought out or organized letter. I am working on only a few hours of sleep. I suggest you find other Dominas with more experience than I have. but I will be glad to email with you and give you what ever knowledge I have managaed to pick up here and there. Oh! One great idea I did have that I can pass on... if you want to learn about a new aspect of D/s make him do the leg work. Give him the idea (such as CBT) and have him complete a detailed assignment on it with his opinions included. Then you can read it over when you are ready and choose for your self what interests you and what you don't feel ready to try. This has worked well for me. We are just beginnning in CBT and I have not only a whole list with descriptions but his fears, concerns and fantasies are all right there too. 


Take care Alice, I think I am too tired to read this over. 


All Domination has to have the mental aspect. Why else does the submissive bother to obey the Dom at all. When I use the term mental and sensual I am attempting to screen out those sub males who want to be abused or feminized or any of the other areas of D/s I have not found an interest in. Though I do like the idea of a lot of touching and I have to feel close to a sub in order to want to do more than just give him orders and all the "standard" Domme things. Does this make sense? My style of Domming leaves me free to pamper my sub if I choose to do so. This is for me as much of a turn on as having him pamper me. This does not mean I do not give my subs a little torment if I choose to do so. I very much enjoy the idea of tying up a submissive and leaving him to wonder what I have in mind for him. Perhaps I would tease him until he begged to be given release. Perhaps I would be in the mood to give him harsher treatment such as a swat or twist of sensitive body parts. Perhaps he would be blindfolded and I would crack a whip leaving him to wonder if I will let it touch him or not. I do not think I would whip a sub unless he was very "into" his submission and longed to feel that snap of pain. But the sound of a whip is something I have long liked and associated with my Domme mode.


> 
> It turns out that a switch would be an ideal partner. I adore women (one at a
> time, of course) and have enormous respect for their talents and abilities. It
> would be (COULD be) fun to have the tables turned occasionally! If you write
> back I would like to hear more about this.

I am a recent convert to switching. I have been a Domme and a submissive but neither was enough all the time. I find I prefer to Domme now that I understand what I want in a man who submits. I believe any man can submit but it takes a strong man's submission to make me feel the real charge and thrill of Domming him. I tend to look for men who also switch now. Too many who are only submissives are wimpy and want to be "forced" to act and dress like a woman. I am surprised more Domina's don't find this a touch insulting as I have begun to. I am proud to be a woman and to act like a woman. I have no desire to see a man attempt to be womanly, I find it a turn off for me. When I domme a sub male I like to create the feeling in him that he is under my full control. To have a strong man "helpless" and left to my mercy is what I most enjoy about Domming men. 


When I submit, on the other hand, I find I lose interest in any man who can not make me feel submissive without trying to totally control me. To be too controlled makes me feel too tightly bound and I just can not handle feeling that way for very long. If I can not escape, which is easy on IRC, I get extremely frustrated and angry. My sister likes to be very controlling and I have sometimes lost it when she just would not quit and leave me alone. Thinking about it makes me feel some of that anger again. I still have a mark on my wall where I hit it with a book once when she was really making me crazy. She had decided to make sure I could not have access to my internet account. This caused me to loose out on having an article published as the deadline was that night. Rather than doing bodily harm to her I went down to my basement "office" and smashed inanimate objects. LOL I am probably telling you more about myself than you need to know. But I have always enjoyed the written and spoken word and with the Net I have both in a way.


> 
> How nice to see you posting on the new newsgroup.  I particulary liked your
> story.  I had no idea you had Governess fantasies.  Would you ever think of
> taking them into real life?  I also detected a bit of a feminization theme.  

The Governess idea came from a submissive I met through his post to the newsgroup. I started getting into it because it is a way of play with less force involved. I also find I enjoy the humiliation of a male submissive. That came as a surprise to me. I would do most things I try on the Net in real life, why not really? If you can trust your partner why not give yourself the freedom to try whatever you like. The only thing that would need more trust than usual on my part would be my own submission. That amount of trust would be hard for me to give someone. I think some of the trust involved in submitting comes from inside myself, I have to trust myself and my ideas and feelings as well as the Dom I give my submission to. Maybe that is why I am good at writing from the submissives perspective. I have not written from the Domme's perspective and I was wondering how I would go about that. So that is going to be my next writing project. I have a couple of other Governess style stories I think I will rework a little and also post to the Newsgroup. I have had a few responses and all favourable so far. Its great to have someone else tell me the stories are good, even well written from Mule who is a frequent story poster to the Group. That was a nice confidence boost for me. :)


The feminization I used was just a tease to the submissive I wrote the stories for. It is his sort of heavy limit. It is also a limit for me. I have no desire to pretend to force a man to be a female. I am proud to be a female and to "force" someone to be something I take pride in is somehow insulting to me. I understand it is a kink for a lot of men but its not my kink. Tough to make him wear frilly undies is something I can do as they are very girlish and would be humiliating whether the submissive was male or female.
>


I have also tried things I had no interest in to please a submissive. In the end I, like you, find I really enjoy the submission the acting out of their fantasies brings. That does not mean I would try every fantasy but I am more open minded about fantasies now.


I am a switch and I did find that using the safeword was hard. Not because I didnt have some sense that things had gone too far but because I wanted to know what would happen next in some sense. Have any subs felt this way?  I hope I would not be too deep into subspace or too curious to see what happens next to protect myself if I ever give my submission offline. I am glad I learned on line first. I spared myself a lot of pain from unrealistic and dishonest Doms. There is no better way to learn than from experience, at least for me.


I agree with your point about it not being fair to the Dom to add that responsibility. It is a huge responsibility to Domme. I look for all the information I can find about a new idea before I write about it or suggest it to my submissives. I also ask other experienced submissives if they have done whatever it is and get their feedback. I would not like to Domme a submissive who believes any feedback he gives me is topping from the bottom. Communication is vital. I need to know that we are both getting what we want. After all I get my pleasure from sending him to subspace, if I could do it a better way I want to know.



Yes, submission but not so easily and readily given. I'm not sure I understand it myself. I guess too much submission seems a weakness and that isnt what I want. Not that I want someone who will fight me all the way. I guess I want someone with a little spirit, someone who will challenge me instead of worshipping me. Does that make any sense? LOL


Mentor,


I was pleased to read your thoughts. I also have my inner questions about what I am doing. I grew up as a very typical nice girl. We lived in the suburbs in a very middle class traditional white area. I can remember the full body flush I got the first time I dared to peek at a naked man in a magazine from the store rack. My first orgasm was a total mystery to me and I was very afraid of whatever it was. It took me a long time before I allowed myself to see it through and find out what mysterious thing this was my body wanted to do. I dont know if men go through anything similar with their first orgasm. 


You may wonder why I am writing this to someone I know casually. I find I am very open to discuss sexual things (most at least). But as you say, in person face to face and skin to skin is a lot different than an email letter or an IRC chat. 


Anyway, I have wandered off from my original point. I grew up the model of the nice girl, no drugs (ever) I tried smoking but didnt find it interesting enough to bother with, and I never went through a boy crazy period. But I did like to read about women being captured and taken away for a long and lusty seduction. I read a lot of historical romances. The woman I was becoming thought the age of 30 was old but the girl who read the romances thought 30 was a man who knew a woman inside and out and could give her everything she desired. Of course, the girl was reading too many romances. Luckily I had the emerging woman to keep my head on straight. 


Buth the biggest question I am left with now as I explore D/s and all that goes along with it is: Am I losing the nice girl I am and respect in myself? Sure part of it is that I dont want others like family and people I meet to think Im not a nice girl. But my inner self is changing. I am not the naive young woman I started out as a year ago when I was new to the Net. I worry that I am going to far and I will find myself changed more than I want to be. I wonder if I will be able to like myself. For awhile I thought I had answered this question to myself. I realized that I am still the same nice girl inside. I thought I would know when and where to stop myself, to set my limits as you would say in bdsm lingo. But now I am wondering again. 


Just this week I met another man on line who very much interests me. I had to just last night admit/ tell him that I am into bondage, at least the idea as I have no real experience yet. Doing this made me feel vulnerable to the acceptance of others again. It brought back all the questions. Am I still a nice girl if I like to be tied up or tie up a man and make him beg for sexual release for no reason other than it turns me on? I dont know the answer to my question. It may never be answered for sure and for ever. 


I identified with some of what you wrote about the fem subs you have encountered. That again brings up all my questions about whether I am a submissive too scared of her feelings to allow myself to submit. Or am I really a Domme who is not bold enough to go all the way and so falls back on the excuse of being a switch. Those are questions that I am working on answering. Just like yourself, I am the only one who can give myself answers to those questions.  I wish you good luck in finding your own answers. When your Ironwill site is back up I hope you will send me the URL. I would like to see it. 

You May as Well be Happy About It

You know you want it.. so smile.  :)

Pornaments

Pornaments. Originally found on Trendhunter.

Disappointing how little there is for FemDom/ Domme versus MaleDom and the standard Barbie doll types for men in general. What also bugged me was the Barbie doll types were posed with fat old men (Santa Claus) even a belly and man boobs showing. Why not Mrs. Claus, a woman on their level. But, not even one shows a woman, other than Barbie. (I don't count the gingerbread couple any more than I count the teddy bear).

Fairer Sex

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday February 15, 2003  

Do you do unto your man as he does unto you? It's only fair. Isn't it?

I don't think so. But for a few reasons. Mainly, not everyone gets aroused by the same things. Maybe he likes sucking your toes but unless this interests you I wouldn't suggest you return the favour. If the idea of sucking his toes is revolting that won't make the experience good for either of you.


Also, he might not like his toes sucked. Do you like it when he sucks your toes? If not you should let him know. That is one thing women don't do often enough. Let the poor sap know you don't like something and let him know when you DO like something. You need communication in order to make the sex good and the relationship grow.

One concern I always had during sex was that I wasn't doing enough. I read about women who just lie there. But, it's fun just lying there, feeling and enjoying everything. It's not good if he feels you aren't involved in the process. Would you like making love to someone who didn't do anything? It would be lonely and eventually you'd lose interest. Make some noise, pat him, rake your nails over his back, whatever it takes to keep him going. Does he like his nipples sucked or nibbled? Does he go wild when you grab his cock, even if that's all you do with it? Kiss him, if that's kind of bland kiss him in some unique place where you've never kissed him before.

But, don't let him get you into a lock. If he is behind you, you're locked into a position where there is very little you can do. Our arms just don't function well that way. Also, they tend to get in his way. Suddenly it's like an octopus has just invaded your bed. (Or wherever it is you're making love). Try to shift around, or just tell him you want to be able to touch him too. What guy wouldn't like to know that!

One reason BDSM is really good for the women is that it gives you the right to not do anything. If you're tied up you can't do much, just wait for what will come. You have less pressure to perform if you can't do more than whimper and moan. If you're the one doing the tying then you get to set the pace. You are the one who chooses how things go and where they go. When you get tired of ordering him around, order him to please you. Sit back and let him get to work. Be spontaneous or give him a list of what you want before you start.

However, back to the do unto plan, you should not be so close minded that you can't try new things. Give his fetish a chance too. Try sucking his (freshly showered and scrubbed) toes once before you decide it's gross. We can be fair, to a point.

BDSM Salt and Pepper Shakers

I found them online. 

A Convincing Unwilling Victim

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Sunday July 20, 2003  

Is unwillingness a turn on for you? Would you admit it? Willing has become like a buzz word in the sex industry/ BDSM community. Just like the 'two consenting adults' thing. But, all those proper willing ideas don't change the fact that unwillingness is still a big turn on. Not just for men either.

Women have rape fantasies and versions of rape fantasies based on being unwilling or unknowing. Women also think of using men. Tormenting them really. I cook up some pretty good ideas along those lines myself. In one case cooking actually is involved.


But, I digress... I'm sure you don't want to hear about my little fantasy...

I'm not sure which I prefer, the one where I'm actually cooking a man or where he just keeps on cooking, doing laundry, windows and so on. In both cases he is not real happy about it. Never fear, I don't actually cook him all the way in the first case. I just like to see him sweat awhile. It's good for his pores, right?  But, I can imagine how his voice would turn just a bit squeaky as I begin adding the carrots, potatoes and onions to the big stew pot he is tied up in. "Getting a bit hot in there, dear?" Just imagine how he would feel as he began to wonder if I was just playing after all?

Being a bit evil is kind of fun. But, it's just a little fantasy. Not even one I pull out often. I'm not a chef after all.

There are so many other fantasies that involve a man who isn't exactly willing or who at least, pretends not to be exactly willing. I'd like to have a man I wanted (over some goofball who begs, demands, or expects it) at my mercy. I really do like the fun of tormenting him. Of course, he will expect so little from such a nice wallflower like me. Won't he be surprised?

Anyway, I was thinking of the whole willing thing today. Having a willing partner is being good, obeying the rules and all that stuff. That's why it's important to find a man who can play an unwilling victim, convincingly. I want to believe he really is just a bit scared. I want to enjoy his surprise, uncertainty and struggles as if he really were unwilling.

Sex and Fear

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Sunday April 13, 2003  

Fear is sexy. It makes people vulnerable and you have to be vulnerable to have sex that means anything to you. Sure you can bump uglies in the night but when you wake up will you feel good, feel that you've done more than scratch an itch. Each of us is vulnerable when we take our clothes off. Even the women we look at as perfect think they have plenty of flaws. Give them a minute and they can write you out a list. So, sex makes you vulnerable, you have to trust the one you're with not to point and stare or laugh. You see how it all comes back to fear?


Fear is an adrenaline rush. It gets your heart pumping, your skin sweats and you breathe faster. It's like you've started having sex before you take off your shoes. No wonder so many people go to horror movies and read all those books. What they really want, is sex. That blood pounding, slick with sweat feeling you get when you let go, take that leap of faith into the bedroom (or wherever you end up naked, hot and bothered).

Part of BDSM is bringing that fear into sex. If you've ever wondered why someone would like being tied up wonder no more. I'm telling you what the attraction is right now. It's fear and sex. Even if the bondage is all agreed to there is still that element of danger, that reason to fear. You've given up control now you're going to get it.

Now, think about being the one who gives the fear. Think about being the woman behind the man, the woman who ties him down, takes the control and teases him, letting him feel uncertain. He doesn't know what you might do, what might happen by accident on purpose. He is at your mercy. Sure he can whine about it later. But, right then he is the one who lives in fear. Of you! What a rush that is. Will you be nice or naughty? Will you tease him or go right for the big finish?

Fear is certainly a part of it. Along with all the thrills and chills of a good roller coaster ride. Grab his gears and strip 'em!

A Fetish for BDSM

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Tuesday February 04, 2003  

I have a secret fetish. My fetish stimulates my mind, whatever brain cells make me feel "in the mood". If sex is all in your head then I'm taking a lot of interesting trips.

Does that sound weird to you? Good. A good fetish should sound weird to someone, that's what makes it unique and individual. What's your fetish? Would you even tell, the genuine, real answer not just the one you feel safe giving.


BDSM is considered a fetish. But, I disagree with that. To me a fetish is something on a smaller scale or something very narrowed down. Such as my figure skater with long hair. BDSM includes many smaller scale ideas which could be called fetishes. As a whole I'd pin it to a theory of sexual play. Not a lifestyle or a religion as some seem to feel. I never want to live as if BDSM was the focus or the core of my life. Also, I never want to make sex into a religion. I just can't take it that seriously for one thing.

Now and then I read about other couples or groups, who have made BDSM into a lifestyle, something they do 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I have to wonder how they fit having a life into their lives. Would you really want to be that much in command or that subservient all the time? I couldn't stand it. I wouldn't want to always be the one making the footsteps or the one always following in them. How could you be your own person? I think we all need freedom from our roles in order to grow. If you stop growing you're in a rut.

Anyway, fetishes are very interesting. There are an endless variety. I've come to think there is a fetish for anything you can come up with. Likely someone in the world has a fetish for eating horse hair and someone else just goes wild thinking of cans of soup and yet another has a fetish for rubbing the pages of a book over their body. Where does it end? Likely that's some kind of fetish too.

Bondage for Beginners

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Friday February 27, 2004  

Originally, I wrote this for someone who wanted ideas for getting started into BDSM. Mainly bondage as most people getting started aren't really looking for the SM type of things. It's a bit much to rush into something really hard core and you can't go back and undo anything you regret later. So, my best advice is to take it slow. I wrote this to a guy, but it works for either partner, man or woman. Start discussing your thoughts and desires. Tell your partner why you want to do these things before you just suggest doing them. Why does the idea of bondage, spanking or some other fetish turn you on? If you're lucky your lust will rub off on them. If not, you can try a moderated, more tame version if possible.


Get close physically at least once before you try anything BDSMish. Have some idea of what each of you are like sexually before you bring in that whole element. Use a 'safe word' and mean it. Don't make a game out of it or use it to tease, etc. If the word is used it means someone is in panic mode and everything has to stop right then. Mostly talk and talk and talk about fantasies, things that scare or concern each of you. Don't rush into some sub/ Dom thing. That should be an extra element not your focus. Just go slow and enjoy the ride.

Try bondage without bondage. Like, instead of tying her or yourself with rope have her hold onto the back of a chair or the sides of the bed. That way there is an escape open if one of you gets worried or needs a break to regroup.

When you feel ready, you can use real rope but don't actually knot it. Leave it untied. Try handcuffs but don't lock them and make sure you have a key where it won't get lost in the sheets, the rug, whatever. Try timed bondage too. Freeze the key in an ice cube and run the cube over her body. When the cube finally melts she is set free.

Try a light spank as a surprise. Just one and see how it goes. If you're both into it make it a bit harder or go for three light ones. Think of different positions too. Over the knee is one option, how about having her bend over the bed, or by the side of your desk, try new ideas. Just use your hand. That way you will both feel it. You need to have some idea of how hard you are spanking. Using an inanimate object leaves you guessing. You can't rely on guessing when you could be hurting her and making the whole experience negative rather than fun and something she's likely to want to do again.

Talk about what you want to do as you're doing it. That is so sexy. To hear someone take charge and tell you what they're going to do and how you are theirs to do it with. Do it with feeling though. The Dom is doing it to show love not to show he/ she is boss. Have a nickname just for your BDSM play, little one, minx, etc. Then when she hears it she will know you're in THAT mode and it will put her into THAT mode too.

You don't need toys and gear, most of it is brain work. Feelings and how you touch and not touch sometimes. Withholding a touch is a good way to build suspense. Bring in a new element and just let it be seen. Don't even use it. For instance place a pair of handcuffs on the bedside table and hang the key on a string around your neck. Use sound effects too. There is something kind of sexy about the sound of a whip, for me. But I'd never want to be whipped or have some amateur with no clue attempt to play with one around me. Still, the sound could be recorded and played back at key moments.

It's all about exploring and trying things to arouse and tempt your partner. Go for it, but play nice and don't be a jerk. Men might find they like being submissive even though they think they have to be a Dom. Try switching. Women might find it a real turn on to suddenly be the one in charge. Make him do things your way and at your pace. Go for it.

Black Tie, Nut Crackers Optional

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Tuesday April 01, 2003  

I posted to an email list for a local BDSM group. They are having a munch in a few days and I thought I would introduce myself and let them know I was thinking to attend. That might sound arrogant, but I'm a bit shy of meeting a group of people in a downtown bar. I'm not the bar type, wallflowers generally go to events where people aren't "getting wasted" or giving up their inhibitions and self control. We actually like polite gatherings like tea parties, church bazaars and garden shows.


Anyway, I had three emails in reply, off the list. One (the first I read) was great, a very nice welcome to the list and encouragement to attend and not feel out of place. I appreciated that one. It was, first of all, kind and second of all respectful of me as a person.

The other two emails made me feel under attack. How could someone, a grown up, send a list of his sexual demands and preferences to a perfect stranger, unasked? No introduction, or any kind of greeting/ salutation, just right to the gritty stuff. It was impersonal form mail with typos and grammar mistakes. It was rude or at the very least extremely impolite. I did not ask for any kind of onslaught but I certainly got it.

I was angry and a little upset. It was certainly disconcerting to be shown into some strange man's bedroom without ever seeing the front door. Do they think every female is a hooker or just treat them all that way? At the scent of a woman they pounced, eagerly listing all their desires, demands and what they expect in a woman.

Well, I didn't ask!!! What's more, I don't even want to know. I don't want to know how much you like bondage, sex toys, what your limits are and how eager you are to be Dommed. Before you tell me all your sexual needs how about telling me who the F**K you are!!!

More than that... how about having some interest in who I am. Obviously they can have no real interest in me. They asked nothing about who I am, what I like, what I do, etc. Obviously, they don't care if I sometimes feel vulnerable and find it hard to trust people. Obviously, I don't matter as I'm only something they can use to masturbate with.

Anyway, I definitely feel rattled by the attack emails. I don't know if I will go to the munch. I don't want the live version of attack emails. Can you imagine walking into a room, feeling nervous, unsure and suddenly having two men stick their cocks in your face? Don't laugh, that's how it feels.

PS- For those who read these columns expecting stroke fodder, piss off. There is a lot more to life and people.

PPS - Yes, I'm angry. Bite me.

Another Domme Bride

Found on Flickr.

Domme/ Duckie Love

This would be so much cuter if it said "I love my Domme" instead of the rub the duckie thing.

Duck from Kinky Playthings.

BDSM Witch

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Tuesday August 05, 2003  

My style of sex and of religion are both controversial. Kind of funny considering I'm such a nice, straight laced, goodie type of person. People are pretty surprised if I mention that I'm a Witch and I enjoy BDSM.

I do see being a Witch and into kinkiness as good for a relationship. A relationship needs to grow and there are so many ways for it to grow and change as I explore kinky ideas. Yet, I still have my base, know where I will and won't go, due to my Pagan ideals.


Most people think BDSM is kind of sick and how could anyone into Paganism rationalize being into pain. Well, first of all, I'm not into pain. BDSM isn't about pain. Just as being a Witch isn't about dancing naked under a full moon waiting for the devil to appear for wild sex. (Not that I haven't read a few naughty stories about just that sort of thing).

Witches don't believe in hell, we don't fraternize with devils and we don't mind a good time in bed. In fact, it's highly recommended by 3 out of 4 Witches. I don't think I need to rationalize it. Not for myself. But, for those curious and still reading this, I'll try to give you an idea of how I see it.

BDSM is mostly about seduction and sensuality. I don't want to spend my Saturday afternoon whipping people. I don't fantasize about various flushable body fluids. I don't enjoy having my toes worshipped. Though I've yet to actually try that one, if done right I might like it. Who knows?...

Secondly, being a Witch is about life, energies, nature and basically - stepping lightly over the Earth. If it doesn't harm anyone or anything, its ok. Just as whatever two consenting adults do is up to them. If I want to tie up my boyfriend and torment him for awhile (with his full and happy consent) what does it matter to the rest of the world or the planet as a whole? It's my thing. No children or animals are hurt in the making of our bed sport.

Sure I do have some fantasies that cross the line. But, those are fantasies. Like a rape fantasy, it's something to think about, use to please yourself, but not something you would really want to happen.

Thirdly, I'm far from the only BDSM Witch. Elements of both are intertwined. Witches have rituals and BDSM is about control and also has strict guidelines. Some people take BDSM as a religion in itself. They keep the codes of consent and power play as their mantra. At any moment they can quote the rules for safe BDSM as another Pagan would quote the Wiccan Rede.

Last of all, I think BDSM and Witches go together well. Witches don't believe in causing harm, thus we are the best people to take that aspect of BDSM seriously and not fool around with it. Karma and the Threefold Rule are basically about whatever you do coming back to get you. As a Pagan you take your actions that cause harm seriously.

Slave Collars

This comes from Gorean Impressions, a post about collars and collaring from the typical Gore theme of the male Dom and female submissive. But, the ideas are about the same, just reversed.

Collars

Their are reasons for why a slave wears a collar:
1) Visibly designates a girl as slave
2) Impresses a girl's slavery upon her, makes her more aware of her slavery
3) Identifies her Master
4) Makes it easier to leash her
5) Makes it easier to put her in various ties/restraints
6) Because it is beautiful
7) Because it pleases the Master to do so


A collar is the most personal item that a slave may wear. It not only designates her as slave but it also is often enscribed with her owner's name. A collar may be as simple as a piece of cloth of fiber and as intricate as gold with jewels upon it.

The collar, unlike the brand, is not permanent and may be changed within the same house or by the same Master or as the slave is sold from Master to Master (Tarnsman of Gor), just like the slave's nick may be changed.

A slave's collar often denotes her rank. Perhaps a lowly kettle slave may wear a fiber collar or at most an iron collar. A slave purely trained for pleasure may wear an enamelled collar of yellow or red or whatever color her owner sees fit to put her in. A love slave may even bare a collar encrustled or dangling with jewels. A punished slave may wear a collar with bells upon it so that her master may not find her 'sneaking' upon him.

"Where in Tharna," I asked, "did you find Pleasure Slaves?" I had noted that the throats of the girls were encircled by silver collars.{Outlaw of Gor}

The last book of the series states that a slave should have the new collar put upon her throat before the old is taken off. This way the slave feels no sense of freedom, even if only for a few ihn.

I then fetched the collar, designed to resemble a state collar, from the flat leather box. I went behind her and locked it on her neck, above the Appanius collar. She now wore two collars. I then removed the Appanius collar from her neck. In this way there was no moment in which she was not in at least one collar.{Magicians of Gor, 358}

It is said that once the collar is off the girl is in fact free. She may be free for just the moment or she may be freed to become the Master's Free Companion.

Different cities/regions are known to have their own style of collar. For instance the Turian collar is round and loose. The Bazi-style collar is wide, tapered towards the top, belled out at the bottom, and commonly inscribed and/or enameled with intricate designs and motifs which signify the Owner and/or the nature of the kajir.

The collars of the male slaves are often not lock collars. The collars are even hidden so that they may not see how numerous they really are.

Whether or not there were male slaves I could not well judge, for the collars would have been hidden by the gray robes. There is no distinctive garment for a male slave on Gor, since, as it is said, it is not well for them to discover how numerous they are. {Outlaw of Gor}

Types of Collars

Bazi style collar: a wide collar, tapered towards the top, belled out at the bottom, and commonly inscribed and/or enameled with intricate designs and motifs which signify the Owner and/or the nature of the kajir.

cord collar: made of cord fashioned from the rence plant it is worn by rencer slaves and carries a small disk to identify the owner.

dance collar: a collar to which light- weight (but effective) chain has been attached in order to set off the dancer.

fiber collar: a simple collar made only of cloth or fiber. (Raiders of Gor)

galley slave collar: a heavy collar often having a chain hanging from it; for use with galley slaves. (Raiders of Gor)

house collar: often portrayed the name of the house where the slave belonged to, the house normally bearing the name of the owner; often bearing a legend--for example 'I am the property of the House of Cernus'; sometimes it would even say from which part of the house, such as the baths; sometimes even the cost for the use of the slave would be engraved into the metal of the collar; might even be just a chain with a plate on it. (Assassin of Gor)

iron collar: simply a collar made of iron; often hammered upon the slave's neck; it is not meant to be a beautiful collar, instead it is often used as mere incitement for the slave to train and gain a more beautiful collar. (Assassin of Gor; Raiders of Gor)

ko-lar: Gorean word meaning slave collar; pronounced as 'collar'; this term is not used often in the books, mostly the word 'collar' is used. (Slave Girl of Gor, page 80)

lock collar: A step above an ironed on collar; denoted sometimes as a 'pretty collar.' (Assassin of Gor)

message collar: high leather collar sewn closed about the slave's neck; sewn within the leather of the collar will be a message. (Priest-Kings of Gor)

northern collar: a utilitarian sounding collar made of black iron with an iron ring to be used if a chain is attached. It is rivited around the neck of the bond-maid. (Marauders of Gor, page 85)

pen collar: not a typical locked collar, more a narroe band of iron, hammered on, with a number for slaves in the iron pens. (Assassin of Gor)

plank collar: two-piece board hinged at one end and capable of being locked at the other.
plate collar: simple hammered collar. (Raiders of Gor)

shipping collar: a loose, generic colar worn by slaves when being shipped as cargo; a temporary collar showing that the slave girl is part of a cargo. (Explorers of Gor, page79)

state slave collar: has a certain color designating the city the slave is owned by; often greay; Ar's state slaves wear grey. (Raiders of Gor; Assassin of Gor)

transport collar: collar with a metal tag attached listing destination or other vital information, to be used during transport of a slave.

Turian collar: round metal

wall collar: a slave is collared and chained to the wall (Assassin of Gor)